3. The Seduction
Now that you know the keys to becoming an attractive male, it’s time to master the art of seduction, acquiring the ability to go out any night and take a beautiful woman home, if you so choose.
In this section, I offer you the method I have developed—and use to this day—to meet, attract, and sleep with beautiful women.
We begin, in this chapter, by establishing an overarching framework for your interactions—a “map” if you will—that you can follow from the moment you meet a woman, until the moment you are kissing her goodbye the next morning. Then we will dive into the specifics of each step—the exact methods, techniques, and strategies you will be employing to successfully seduce the women you choose.
This is the material that separates the guys who get “lucky” from the guys who get laid. Study this section carefully—read through each chapter more than once—and then be prepared to take action. There is no limit to what you can achieve, once you do.
The Characters of Seduction
When I first began learning the pickup game, I was literally drowning in information—and misinformation—about being good with women.
One guru would say women want a man who can’t be controlled. Another would say women want an emotionally deep man that they can connect with.
One purported expert would say the key is to be the super-social frat-boy kind of guy, while another would say the key is to be a modern-day Don Juan—a smooth, seductive male who cuts through the clutter and romances a girl with poems, roses, and fine wine.
The problem for me was that each of these archetypes, when I heard them described, made complete sense. I’d actually seen examples of them in the real world—and I’d seen guys like these have massive amounts of success. But as soon as I’d become convinced that one particular way was the right way, I’d come upon a different style of seduction, also compelling, that seemed to completely contradict the one that came before.
Overloaded with information and conflicting models of how seduction worked, I hit the “field” to test them all out on women so as to discover which approach to the game actually worked.
And the result wasn’t pretty.
Have you ever seen a five-year-old display artistic genius by mixing every color of the rainbow together and creating a putrid shade of brown? Well, that’s what my game looked like!
One moment I’d be deeply engaged in a discussion about my life story, and the next moment I’d be acting like an arrogant movie star.
Women would just look at me, perplexed that I was changing “character” so abruptly. Then inevitably they’d kindly (or not so kindly) remove themselves from conversation with me. It really was amazing how many women suddenly had to use the bathroom as soon as I got past the five- minute mark with them in a club.
After repeatedly failing, I came to a realization: there was no single correct character to play in a seduction; no one universally applicable seduction persona that works every time.
Instead, I realized, different types of game—different ways of behaving during a seduction—were required at different times during the same interaction. The way you behave at the start of the seduction is different from the way you behave twenty minutes in.
The way you behave twenty minutes in is different from the way you behave when the club is closing down and you’re ready to take the girl home. When I came to this realization, I began experimenting with different sequences of seduction—acting one way first, and then a different way after
I’d settled into an interaction. Smoothly transitioning from one character to the next in a way that was consistent moved my interactions forward, and made sense given the context.
After weeks of trial and error I hit upon the perfect model, one I called “the three characters of seduction.” And when I started using it, wow—my game took off and I never looked back.
Now I’d like to give the model to you.
There are three “characters,” or personas, that the successful man takes on during a seduction. Each of them serves a different purpose. None of them involves “acting”—it’s just a different way of behaving. We all have the capacity to behave in a wide variety of ways, after all. What the three characters model helps you do is structure your behavior so that you’re always acting in a way that maximizes your success with women and moves you forward, from the first moment you see a woman you admire to the time you go home with her.
You begin with “Mr. Sociable” upon the initial approach. After you’ve “gotten in” with the girl, you transition to a character I call “Mr. Comfort”; finally, you transition to “Mr. Seducer” when the time is right for you to start leading things toward the bedroom.
The Three Characters in Action
What follows is a description of each of the personas, along with the behavioral characteristics that define them, and famous movie characters you can use as models.
This is the guy who makes a great first impression; very animated, he has a high energy level and makes people feel comfortable. He’s able to win over any group, make them laugh, and generally brighten up their evening. Everyone is glad this person is around because there are no awkward silences; he keeps the conversation going.
Someone who is naturally Mr. Comfort and starts an interaction in that role tends to think too much about what he says; he thinks he’s being considerate, but the result is off-putting. People relax a lot more when the person they’re with is relaxed himself. Mr. Sociable personifies this relaxed attitude because he is very natural and says what comes to mind. Because he is comfortable, people relax around him.
On the other hand, although he’s very good for the first few minutes, he might find it hard to connect with an individual, or to seduce her, simply because he is too high-energy. After a while women will become tired of talking to him, because he can’t be serious or deep. We’ve all been in situations with someone who constantly cracks jokes; it’s good for a few minutes but quickly becomes tiresome. Use this character for only the first few minutes—until you’re into a comfortable two-way conversation and you sense that the woman wants you to stick around.
Extroverts will find it easy to step into this role, whereas introverts will find it harder. I knew for a long time that I needed to be more sociable, outgoing, funny, and interesting—but how do you do that?
The Skills of Mr. Sociable
Be engaging. As long as people are looking at you and listening, they aren’t going anywhere and you’l be able to get past the first minutes and into a conversation. To hold people’s attention, you can use a few nonverbal techniques. First, hold eye contact. If it’s one girl, keep a good amount of eye contact; if it’s a group, spread the eye contact around, directing it especialy to any person who seems to be losing interest. Second, use gestures. When you gesture, it catches the eye and is a great way to keep attention focused on you. Third, be expressive. If you have a poker face, people won’t feel caled to look at you. Fourth, vary the tone of your voice, using pauses and different pacing. Trying to remove ums and ers from your speech wil realy help your results as wel.
Be positive. Nobody likes a downer. Although we can often connect with people by talking about negative stuff, people would much prefer to be surrounded by those who make themfeel good. Always look for the positive, and if someone starts a negative conversational thread, try to switch it as soon as possible. I’m not talking about being in la-la land; you can be realistic, but if you have the choice of talking about something negative or positive, accentuate the positive.
Enjoy yourself. Smile. Take pleasure in the music, the company, the venue, the drinks, the food. We are always drawn toward people who look like they’re having fun. Enthusiasm, passion, and happiness are contagious. You wil make people want to be part of your life if you look like you’re enjoying yourself. One man might be a bilionaire with the perfect life but look bored and uninterested; another might be average in every external regard but have a real passion for life. Women wil want to be with the second man, because he can make themfeel good.
Do most of the talking. Ask few questions. Keep the conversation light and situational.
To further develop these character traits on your own, here are some additional active steps and exercises:
Do something that involves public speaking and being the center of attention—take a stand-up comedy or acting class, or teach a course as I did when I spent six weeks in Sevile teaching English as a second language.
Owen Wilson and Vince Vaughn as John and Jeremy in Wedding Crashers
Examples of Mr. Sociable
Ryan Reynolds as Van in Van Wilder
Try this acting exercise with a friend: one-word improv. The way it works is that you make up a story together, one word at a time: you say a word (“I”) and then your friend says a word (“wil”), and you continue like this until you’ve got a narrative. (Go. And. See. My. Friends. At. The. Beach. And. Build. A. Sandcastle. Then…) When you come to a ful stop, you use words like “next,” “afterward,” and “then” to carry it on. If you manage to increase the speed as you get good at this, the skil should translate directly into natural conversation.
After you’ve integrated into a group or made initial contact with a woman, you can bring out Mr. Comfort. When you first approach strangers, they’re usually in a wait-and-see mode. It might happen quickly, or might take a while, but soon they will open up to you and commit to the interaction. How do you know when this has happened? Nonverbally: they will stop looking at each other, or around the room, and focus on you and what you’re saying. Verbally: they will start to commit more to the conversation, giving longer answers and asking you questions.
While Mr. Comfort isn’t as outgoing as Mr. Sociable, he’s no slouch in the interaction department. Mr. Comfort is interested and interesting. He listens about 50 percent of the time, doesn’t talk too much about himself, and tries to understand women, find common interests, and build rapport. He should stick around until you’ve established a palpable connection with a girl, at which point he should start to bring in some elements of the next character, Mr. Seducer. Usually, Mr. Comfort can’t start conversations very well and isn’t very seductive, so it’s awkward when he goes in for a kiss. Most introverts will be at home in this mode. The problem is getting stuck in it! Ninety percent of the time, when guys tell me they’ve been put into the “friend zone” by a woman, it’s due to being Mr. Comfort for too long. Giving off no sexual vibe, no matter how good you are conversationally,
means you’re of no more use to her than her girlfriends or gay best friend!
The Skills of Mr. Comfort
Listen actively. When others are speaking, don’t just stand there waiting to jump in. Look them in the eye, nod your head, and encourage themto continue.
Imagine that you’ve known the person you’re speaking to for your entire life. Project the feeling of fondness you have for your oldest and best of friends and watch as this new acquaintance reciprocates.
David Schwimmer as Ross in the TV show Friends John Krasinski as Jim in the TV show The Office
Jason Segel as Peter in Forgetting Sarah Marshall
Examples of Mr. Comfort
Humanize yourself—paint a picture of who you are, where you’re from (your history), and what you’re al about. Don’t brag; simply open up and alow your conversational partner to see you for who you are. Don’t be afraid to poke fun at yourself and talk about the time you embarrassed yourself at your birthday party when you were eight years old. Imperfection is lovable.
The Seducer is the man who is unapologetic about his sexual intention toward a woman. While he doesn’t come out and overtly say, “Hey, I want to sleep with you!” he does give signals to the woman that he’s very interested, in a smooth, almost calculated way. Be it the way he looks at the woman, the way he holds her hand, or the way he uses his voice, Mr. Seducer is the guy who can get the girl into bed.
The Mr. Seducer character doesn’t just pop out of left field when you need him. Instead, he emerges gradually, the more you find out about a woman. This way, your attraction to her is justified and, in her eyes, is not based on looks alone.
The Skills of Mr. Seducer
Don’t be afraid to reveal your desire. Look the woman in the eyes in a way that communicates, “I want you tonight.”
Slow down the rate at which you speak.
As you begin to speak more slowly, add pauses … in the way … you speak … while stil holding solid eye contact. Pauses in the middle … of sentences are
… especialy powerful.
Introduce touching and physicality with more frequency and intimacy.
Reduce movement and make sure any body movement, gestures, and touches fit with the slow, smooth, seductive rhythm.
Ryan Philippe as Sebastian in Cruel Intentions Johnny Depp as John in Don Juan DeMarco Brad Pitt as Joe in Meet Joe Black
Examples of Mr. Seducer
These three characters provide the general framework for what to do when you interact with a woman. It’s a map, if you will. What we’ll do in the chapters that follow is zoom down to “street level” and look at the nitty-gritty of how you actually navigate through the seduction each step of the way. We’ll learn how to master the skills of each character, and how to tie them all together in a step-by-step way, so that when you go out and meet women, success is practically guaranteed.