7. The Close
It’s the moment every guy dreads—actually putting your chips on the table and going for it. In some situations, this will mean going for a number; in others, it will mean going for a kiss right on the spot; and in still others, it will mean getting the girl back to your place for a night of fun. In the pages that follow I share with you strategies and tactics for all three of these situations so that when it’s time to make your move, you’ll know exactly what to do, and how to do it.
We begin with the first type of close: the number close.
Going for a phone number is a high-pressure moment for most guys—they don’t know when to do it, and they don’t know whether the girl will give it to them or reject them. Even after getting a number, it can be difficult to convert it into a date or another meeting. I used to have pretty good conversations and then not ask for the number, either because I’d feel insecure about revealing that it was indeed a pickup attempt, or because I’d be afraid she’d say no. But it’s an essential skill to learn, and it becomes easy if you do it smoothly and repeatedly. Here’s what to do.
Most guys make the mistake of making small talk for a period of time and then just coming out and asking for a number. This is wrong. A connection can be built quickly just on small talk, but it usually takes a lot longer. Keep in mind that the conversation needs to be directed toward the goal at all times.
Targeting Conversation for Number Closing
A conversation aimed at getting a beautiful woman’s phone number needs to be based around connections and common interests:
How does she spend her time? What does she do when she isn’t working?
What foods does she like?
What places does she like to go to in the evening? Is she a party girl?
Does she like the arts?
Is there something she would like to do but hasn’t yet tried (e.g., a salsa class)?
These are some basic common-interest questions that could lead to a possible connection. Think up your own, some in advance and some on the fly; there are hundreds of possible alternatives.
Taking two opposite examples, let me show you how to lead into a number close from a general conversation:
You: What places do you like to go in the evening?
Her: I like Club/Bar X.
You: Cool, it’s good there. Have you ever been to Club Y?
Her: Not so far.
You: Well, some friends and I are going there on Friday. You should come.
Her: Yeah, okay.
You: Excellent. What’s your number? Or…
You: What do you like to do when you’re not working?
Her: I like to go to the theater/museums/ballet/rock concerts.
You: Have you been to that new show/exhibition/whatever?
You: Me neither. We should go.
Her: Okay, sure.
You: Great, give me your number.
Tip: Never ask for a number directly; it should flow naturally. The close should be assumed.
Finally, most guys get at least occasional numbers that “flake.” This is when you get a number but when you go to call her, it’s either fake or she doesn’t pick up. To help minimize what I call “flakeage,” try this:
Ask her if you can enter your number in her phone too. Have a connection or something you can do together, as described above. And most important, arrange a date there and then. If you’ve already arranged a date, she can be thinking about it when you call. Apply these tips, and all your good interactions should end in solid number closes.
Simple Lines for a Number Close
How about if you can’t find a connection, don’t have time to, or for some other reason just don’t have a conversation like the above? You can use the following universal technique:
You: It’s been great speaking with you. We should continue this some time.
You (handing her your phone): Okay, put your number in there and we’ll arrange something in a few days. Or…
You: Listen, I need to go and meet my friends, but what’s the best way to keep in touch with you?
Her: You can take my number/add me on Facebook/email me.
Intuiting the Correct Pressure Level for Number Closing
Knowing how strong or gentle and how fast or slow to move after you’ve made a connection with a new woman is all part of the natural seducer’s learning curve. This applies to when you’re with her in person or on the phone, to your method of closing, and also to your proposition for the first date or meeting after getting the number.
If you’re with a girl and ask her to meet you for an intimate romantic dinner and then come back to your house for wine, you’re putting a lot of pressure on her. She’d better like you a lot! If you’re suggesting that she go out to a cool party with all her friends—and you—there isn’t so much pressure. Bear in mind what you’re asking the girl to do. If you meet her for ten minutes and then suggest that you go on a date/for dinner/to the movies/for a drink, she’ll go home, think about it, and talk to her friends; and she could easily change her mind and flake. “Will it pass the friends test?” is a good guideline to use when suggesting a meet-up. Will her friends say, “What? You met some guy for five minutes in Starbucks and now you’re meeting him alone in a bar? He’ll probably spike your drink and rape you.”
You’ll need a good connection so that she’s sure enough of you, feels safe around you, and is also attracted and intrigued. The easiest possible number close would be to invite the girl to a nice club or party with her friends, which may even pass the annoying friends test.
Use low-pressure closes when you aren’t so sure about the solidness of the set. Use higher-pressure closes when it’s really on—when you don’t want to beat around the bush and neither does she. The personality type of the girl will be a major factor: if she’s indecisive and easily led by her friends, then she’s much more potentially flaky, and a low-pressure closing will work better.
Now is a good time to mention dealing with objections women might have. This subject is almost big enough to warrant its own section, so pay attention! The situation: she’s tipsy, you meet in a bar, you have a great time. Easy to see her again? Not always. The problem is, she’s going to go home, talk to her friends, and be distracted by all the other guys chasing her. You can easily turn into “the dude I met when I was drunk,” even though you might have made the most incredible connection of all time. You can be thinking she’ll fall in love with you, but she’ll flake!
The way you dealwith this is by making statements that put the potential objection out there right away, before she thinks of it later. Consider these options:
“I know we’re drunk, but I can tell that we’ll get along great. It’ll be excellent to meet up somewhere more quiet and really get to know each other.”
“I didn’t expect to meet a great girl in a nightclub. We might go home and think that we had an amazing connection just because of the flashy environment. That might be the case, of course—but I’d love to find out by getting to know you better in a more chilled-out location.”
By preempting her objections, you help her remain focused on meeting you again and not on the potential problems. This is especially important if you escalated kino pretty hard. In that case you’ll also have to deal with, “Maybe he’s a player,” and, “If we meet again, he’ll be all over me right away.” You can use the same method to deal with these issues too.
The kiss closing is a sticking point for lots of guys. Going for the kiss is another point where you’re putting yourself out there to get rejected. The way to remove the pressure from this moment is to work up to it smoothly with a variety of escalation techniques, and by using tests to see if the girl is ready. Think back to “the three characters of a seduction” that we talked about in chapter 3: Mr. Sociable, Mr. Comfort, and Mr. Seducer. If you’re not in the seductive character mode at the time of the kiss, she might not feel in the mood.
Here are some techniques to help make the kiss a smooth move she’ll go for every time:
1. Touch her in increasingly more sensual ways leading up to the kiss:
Touch her armfor emphasis when you’re talking.
Touch her hand. As noted earlier, looking at jewelry is a good excuse.
Touch her hair. Asking if it’s her natural color/if she ever wears it up/has ever cut it short/used to have it long/or even when she washed it is a good excuse. If she’s comfortable with your touching her hair and doesn’t pull back at all, then she’s kissable. You can go for it here.
Smell her hair. Oddly enough, that’s a turn-on for girls.
Take her hand and hold it as you talk. If you’ve done some of the above, hand-holding will be acceptable at this point. Don’t look at her hand or draw attention to it; just do it!
Squeeze her hand and see if she squeezes back; this is another kissability indicator. No girl ever squeezes back if she isn’t ready to kiss.
Stop talking, pause, tilt your head, and look at her. See if she’s comfortable with this attention. If she is, you can kiss.
What if she turns her face when you try to kiss? Kiss her cheek and then her neck! Chances are she’ll turn around and kiss you. Turning a bit isn’t a rejection, but most guys assume it to be and back away. Try this alternative kissing and you can turn her on even more. It’s only a rejection if she recoils—backs off and away.
So now you know how to touch her, but your moves won’t be 100 percent smooth if you’re still in the same character as when talking to your hairdresser—i.e., acting like a friend instead of a lover. It’s time for Mr. Seducer.
2. Establish a sexual vibe as you escalate the physical contact. You do this by:
Using more intense eye contact.
Switching to a slower, smoother, deeper voice.
Looking at her in a sexual way, looking at her lips as well as her eyes. If she reciprocates, she’s imagining kissing you.
3. Sometimes, even with no work on your part, she’ll want you. When a girl wants to kiss you:
She squeezes your hand.
She looks at your lips.
She touches your chest instead of your arm.
She’s comfortable with hard eye contact even when no one is speaking.
I believe that every girl is persuadable. I’m not going to use the term one-night stand in this discussion, because you may very well see her again, but I will say same-night sex—in other words, sleeping with the girl the night you meet her. Personally, I always try to sleep with the girl as quickly as possible, even if I’m aiming for a real relationship, because in my experience, it makes things so much easier once it’s out of the way. There, I said it!
Why Same-Night Sex?
Sometimes you meet and feel a strong sexual vibe. If you took that particular girl’s number and agreed to meet another time, that spark might be gone. I’ve had my best experiences when things seemed just perfect on the first night I met a girl. If you want a casual relationship, sleeping with her before she knows you well enough to become emotionally attached is the right policy. If you want something deeper, sleeping with her quickly so that you can both become more relaxed with each other is also the right policy.
Remember, I’m a pickup artist. I’m not grabbing a jaded, drunk chick off the dance floor at 2:00 A.M.; I’m meeting a beautiful girl, usually the best in the club—and partway through the night I’m getting to know her, then (usually!) taking her home later. This means we can create a romantic, intimate, passionate experience. I love romance, a perfect Hollywood moment; I don’t like quick sex in the bathroom. And I think you can get this on the same night you’ve met if you’re both pretty sober and have more than just a physical connection. I’ve done everything from twenty minutes street- to-house with a super-hot model (the hottest girl I ever slept with) to a ten-hour seduction marathon filled with objections from a virgin. (I wasn’t being a bastard, and she eventually became my girlfriend!) The bottom line is that there are different types of same-night sex, and it generally depends on the girl.
How to Lead a Girl to Same-Night Sex
So what kind of girls tend to be interested in same-night sex? There’s a surprisingly wide range, from “ready to go” girls, to “just this once” girls, to girls who protest, “I’m not that kind of girl.” Each kind of girl requires a different response from you.
I always have condoms in my house and with me at all times when I go out. Over the years, I’ve come to learn two things about safe sex (and why it’s important):
If a girl would sleep with you with no condom, then she’d do it with other guys—and probably has.
STDs (a.k.a. sexually transmitted diseases) are serious business. Maybe you’ve caught something before and gotten better after being treated, so you think STDs are no big deal. But some STDs are incurable and can literally ruin your life. Plus, how confident can you be when you’re walking around with a rash or sores on your penis? Google herpes (click on the images if you dare), and I’msure you’ll never go out without condoms again.
“Ready to go” girls
There are some girls who have same-night sex often, and with lots of different guys—in effect, one-night stands. These girls are not only open to same-night sex; they want it. What appeals to this type of woman is a dominant man who looks like he can take care of her sexual needs and desires. If you want to be that guy, you should make outward displays of confidence, approach directly, and escalate smoothly from touching to kissing, telling her what you want to do with her, etc. With this girl, you can simply lead her out of the club and there won’t be many, if any, questions asked about what’s going on. “Grab your jacket,” you can announce, “and let’s get out of here!”
“Just this once” girls
Other girls may have gone along with same-night sex a few times before, but it isn’t something they’re automatically agreeable to or normally into. They’re not sluts and they don’t want to be treated as such. Still, they enjoy sex and aren’t prudish.
These girls need more than the physical, however, and will reject you if that’s all that’s on offer. You can give them a taste of sexuality, but you should also slow down to show that you have self-control and take the time to get to know each other.
This type of woman needs to feel that Hollywood moment; she needs to feel like she has really met a fantastic guy. Stare into her eyes in a loving way; find out stuff about her and connect on it. Then show her that you’re becoming more and more attracted to her as you find out more and more about her. Even as you’re connecting with her on an emotional level, however, you can be conveying sexual tension in the way you look at her. In
summary, turn her on intellectually, emotionally, and physically.
Often, you’ll need a reason for this girl to come home with you—hearing you play a song, seeing some photographs you took on a recent trip to someplace she wants to visit, or your cute little dog. Try telling her simply, “Let’s go somewhere else,” and then, if and when she asks where, you can say, “I want to show you something.” Head for your place, though, even while you’re talking. If she objects to where you’re taking her, you can say, “Well, you can’t stay long, because I need to wake up early,” and then quickly change the subject. Do not engage in logical debate. Keep leading her and then change the subject.
If she objects to you verbally but still consents physically (for example, she says she shouldn’t go back with you but is still walking hand in hand), it’s usually a token objection and can be quickly dealt with.
If she objects to you physically and verbally, immediately stop what you’re doing! She is not going to go home with you or do anything with you— and you need to respect her and stop it there! Learn this important point. Women sometimes like to playfully object and wrestle with you if they want to be controlled. This can make it difficult and confusing for men, because sometimes women really mean their resistance, in which case there’s the very real potential for rape. If you make sure you’re respecting your date at all times, everything will work out fine.
“I’mnot that kindof girl” girls
The third type of girl is the one that’s not very sexual and will always react in horror at the thought of a “dirty” one-night stand or of sleeping with a guy so quickly. Connect with her on an emotional level first. Introduce a tiny bit of sexual tension, but just enough to generate attraction and to avoid being thought of as merely a friend.
Getting her back to the house won’t be too difficult, because you’ll generate trust and you won’t kiss her before you get there. After you’ve connected with her on all levels, suggest going somewhere more quiet, more comfortable, where the drinks are cheaper, to chat some more— whatever. You need to talk about future plans with this girl, things you can do together. If there are any objections, you should manage to get around them with, “I want to show you where I live. Anyway…”
Once you get to the house, sit her down on the couch or on your bed. Get the wine out. Give her time to get comfortable. After five minutes, go in for the kiss. You could have kissed earlier because you had comfort, trust, connection, and attraction, but you waited to avoid the “Oh, I’m horny now; let’s go to my place” vibe. The kiss has been “on” for a while, so it will be easy.
Escalate very slowly and smoothly from that first kiss. Anytime you sense discomfort on her part, take a step back—show her something on your laptop or put a movie on—keep it there for a time, and then reescalate. When the time feels right, offer an excuse to get in the bed (it’s more comfortable); have an excuse to take clothes off (it’s hot)—all while physically escalating. It’s got to be like it happened by accident. Once she’s naked, the interaction has passed the point of no return and should be smooth sailing.
Girls in this category will be much more likely to go home with you if you don’t directly mention the fact that they’re going back to have sex with you. Of course, they’ll know it on some level, but a much higher percentage of girls will sleep with you if you make the subtle shift from “Want to go back and have sex with me?” to “Want to come for coffee?” Other lines that work well include “Want to go someplace more comfortable?” and “Let’s go somewhere else.”
The difference is that you’re leading, not asking. People feel more comfortable in simply following rather than making a commitment to follow. For example, “Let’s go dance” always works better than “Would you like to dance?”
Dirty dancing is generally good for getting in the mood, getting her comfortable with you physically, etc. You need to be confident and comfortable so that she feels that vibe too. Treat her like your girlfriend. Touch her with familiarity. Awkwardness won’t fly.
Sex on a First Date
For a lot of reasons, you might opt for a number close or a kiss close over same-night sex. That doesn’t mean you’re out of luck, but you’ve got to know what you’re doing to move forward.
Most guys who meet girls for dates after a number close see the attraction completely fizzle out; or, at a minimum, they have to work through a number of dates to get into a position where they can take things physical. That’s an avoidable problem. If you arrange to meet a girl for lunch or in a coffee shop in the daytime, your first date clearly isn’t going to end up in bed.
So how do you do it? There are a few essential elements to the sexually successful first date:
First, arrange to meet at night. There’s more of a sexual vibe at night, so you can establish a physical connection straightaway. And meet somewhere near where you live, preferably within walking distance. I arrange this with a girl by saying something like, “Let’s meet at the local Starbucks. When’s good for you—8:00 P.M. or 9:00?” The question offers illusory choice on a point that’s irrelevant to me in terms of the result.
Solid Closes and Buyer’s Remorse
When you’re getting on well with a girl in a club or a bar and there’s the potential for things to get physical, there are different ways to play it. You may have heard of something called “buyer’s remorse,” which in the context of dating is where you escalate the physical stuff too quickly with a girl and then she regrets it and doesn’t want to see you again.
Let me illustrate this with an example. I approached a hot girl in a club one night, and in a short span of time we were kissing and touching very sexually, almost to the point of getting thrown out. Wanting to slow things down a bit, I stopped, took her hand, and led her to sit down. On the way, though, a friend asked me to take a picture of his group and I got engaged in conversation with him; she, probably anxious about how quickly things had been advancing, went back to her friends and ended up leaving the club without talking to me again.
If I had managed things differently—if I had sat down with her and spent twenty minutes talking and discovering things I liked about her before getting all hot and heavy, she probably wouldn’t have run away and I probably would have succeeded in getting her to agree to a follow-up date.
So basically, you have to do a couple of things if you’re getting physical with a girl you’d like to see again. If there’s no chance of your sleeping with her that night (because she has to drive friends home, or whatever) and you really like her, don’t spend the whole night kissing her; back off and talk, then kiss a bit more, then talk a bit. Mix it up. If you can sleep with her that night, go for it and spend some quality time afterward.
When you meet her for that first real date, the most important thing to do is immediately treat her as if she’s your girlfriend. Kiss her on the cheek, take her hand or put your arm around her, and lead her off to the location of your date. Remember that if she actually shows up for a date, she’s attracted to you; that’s a given. By treating her as your girlfriend, you’re basically triggering all the feelings within her associated with guys she’s dated for years. You’re touching her like her ex-boyfriends did. If you’re comfortable, she’ll be comfortable. If you’re uncomfortable and nervous, she’ll be the same.
When you arrive at your destination, let her sit first and then sit next to her. You’ll be in danger of losing a sexual vibe if you sit opposite her. In terms of conversation, mix playfulness, teasing, the sexual vibe, and comfort-building. For my first dates, I always like to take the girl to a spot that closes at 11:00 P.M., so it’s natural to leave then and just lead her to my house.
If you don’t have a favorite place that closes down early like that, you can say, “Let’s go somewhere else,” and simply lead her to your home. When you’re walking down the street together, don’t talk about where you’re going. If she asks directly, you can say, “We’re going somewhere more comfortable,” or “I know a great place where the music is better,” or even, “I’m going to show you where I live.” You can also have a quirky excuse to take her home, like “Come and see my cat do back flips.” (But if you go that route, you’d better have a cat waiting for you when you get home!)
One of the key things here is to try to distract her. Draw her attention from your destination by asking or talking about something else. “So, did you see that new movie with Matt Damon?” Then continue leading her and walking. If she objects to you verbally but is still walking with you, don’t engage in logical debate. Remember that a woman has both a logical and an emotional mind. Her emotional mind is expressed through her body and her logical mind through her speech. Distract her logical mind.
When you get back to the house, sit her down (on your bed if possible) and give her some space. Don’t get in her face right away. You’re doing some crucial things here—primarily, showing that you have self-control. This generates trust, and she’ll feel more comfortable with you.
After a few minutes, go into the seductive character again and build some tension before you kiss her; that will make the kiss more passionate and will turn her on. Kiss for a bit, then lay her down. If she isn’t in your bedroom, give her the grand tour. Have something in your bedroom that you can look at together—a photo album, say—and do that sitting on the bed. Remember, though—if she says, “Stop!” you better stop whatever you’re doing (or trying to do) immediately. If she gives you a more subtle objection, or you sense one coming, go back one or two moves and try to turn her on some more.
A lot of guys have some performance anxiety when it comes to sexual confidence. I certainly did when I was starting out, due to knowing that any girl I met likely had way more sexual experience than I did, and also from a lack of confidence about how I looked. I was scared to get naked and wasn’t confident in my skills!
Despite my lack of confidence, it took only a few weeks of practice to get into some great situations with beautiful girls. I’d gotten so good at the early stages that girls often thought I was a “player” and probably thought I was an amazing lover because of my confidence in the first minutes of an interaction. Little did they know that I had kissed fewer than five girls, even though I was twenty-five years old!
I remember one particularly attractive French girl I met at a local bar. I got her number and actually managed to get her on a date a few days later. My “sex on the first date system”—still in the draft stage back then—was running like clockwork. We were sitting in my room on the bed (the only place to sit in my small portion of the shared apartment), and there was a beautiful moment when she revealed something very personal. She told me that she played the harp, and that she thought of her harp as a “he”; when the window was open, “he” would make sounds from the wind that she thought was him talking to her, and she would come play a response. She told me that she’d never talked with anyone about it before, but that she felt I understood her—in fact, she said, it was as if she’d known me for months.
I put my glass of wine down, moved toward her, ran my fingers through her hair, and went in to kiss her. When she turned her head to the side, instead of backing off I kissed her cheek and then her neck and then gently turned her head back toward me. To my surprise, she went crazy and jumped on top of me, kissing me aggressively and biting my lips. This had never happened before—not even close! I couldn’t handle it and didn’t even like it. She looked like she wanted to devour me, and I was just plain scared!
I’d had only slow, soft, and tender moments in my brief romantic career, and this girl wanted the opposite. She wanted a confident, dominant man. I’d probably seemed to be that guy when I picked her up, but I didn’t yet have the sexual confidence to back up my posturing. I got on top of her and pinned her down, but my movements were tentative because I didn’t really know what I was doing. She wanted me to control her physically and loved it when I managed to do that. I’d never ripped a girl’s clothes off and had wild sex before, but I was game to try. I was way too slow for her liking, though; and although we did get it on, I was in my head all the time, thinking about what I should do to make her happy and not really enjoying the moment. I caught a confused look on her face at one moment, as if she was wondering what the hell I was doing.
I felt like a real man would have been able to handle the situation properly. I’d sensed that I wasn’t very “manly” for a while. When I was at work during those early years, from about eighteen to twenty years old, I was the “friend” who posed no sexual threat, who didn’t project any sexuality at all. I’d sit around with the marketing department girls, and they’d talk about sex and personal issues as if I were a girl. When I was with my guy friends, I didn’t talk about sex or women in the usual crass way. I still don’t think it’s necessary to do that—but it is necessary to be sexually confident and to be able to handle sexually aggressive women without being scared off. Women should see you as sexual, not as a gay best friend!
I’d been brought up by my mother with no male influences or role models, and I guess I lacked a general manliness and (especially) sexual confidence. I had taught myself the attributes of an alpha male and definitely projected them in a club, but I had a weak underbelly that revealed itself in the bedroom! The French girl I was just talking about was only nineteen, but I couldn’t handle her. She said, in both words and action, “I like sex,” and was very matter-of-fact about it. I was happy to have slept with her—she was one of the best-looking girls I’d met in London—but I didn’t know how to give her what she wanted! She didn’t come back for more, and this was going to be a big problem if it continued.
In the months that followed I struggled with how to get this area of my life handled. I’d never openly talked about sex with friends; I’d always felt uncomfortable when the subject came up. Seeing the need for change, I decided to make a conscious effort to talk about sex with male and female friends alike. Gradually I got comfortable talking about it, making sexual innuendos and jokes and being more open. I deliberately spent some time with the most sexual girls around and started regularly going to strip clubs. Within a few weeks I had a girlfriend who was a dancer. She was super- confident—a half-Greek and half-Brazilian woman who was paid by the club to teach the other girls “pole tricks.” She was totally confident with her
body, walking around my apartment naked even when there was a chance that my roommates might see her. She told me what to do in bed, what she liked; and after dating me for a few weeks she told me I was good.
Finally I’d graduated! In the days, weeks, and months that followed, I brought my newfound confidence into my relationships, and now it carried all the way through to the bedroom. The most important thing that I realized was that potentially embarrassing issues could be overcome if I confronted them directly. It’s a lesson that was important for me to learn and one that I hope you keep in mind as you go on your own journey.