Celebrity Pitchman – Bullshit jobs and how to get them
Lend personal imprimatur to sell crap in paid programming time
They’ve been looking for that fountain of youth in a jar, and it’s actually going to come in a mask!
Linda Evans, selling the
Rejuvenique mask, powered by a 9-volt battery, which tightens up
facial muscles by injecting electric current into them
$$: Millions! Billions! Hundreds of thousands sold! Not available in any store!
ß: 198, but only to save two points for Donald Trump.
Skills Required: Shameless pitchmanship, ability to hawk benefits of products that might become centerpiece of standup comedy routine; prior career as a B-level actor desirable.
Duties: Market products that nobody in the world would ever think worthy of producing to a huge, mass audience.
It helps me maintain my sexy, you feel me?
Sean “Puffy” Combs, aka
P. Diddy, Puff Daddy, and
Diddy, advertising Proactiv
Solution acne treatment in an infomercial that paid him $3 million for a four- hour shoot
Famous Examples: One master inventor and marketer stands tall above all. Ron Popeil, inventor of a bewildering array of products that are sold in thirty- minute infomercials that for some reason, like a car accident, are impossible to pull one’s eyes away from. Products
invented by Ron Popeil’s Ronco company include the Showtime Standard Rotisserie and the Professional Rotisserie, each of which cooks a chicken while sealing in all of its juices.The collection of Six Star Cutlery (a descendant of the famous Ginsu knife set); the 5-Tray Electric Food Dehydrator; the Solid Flavor Injector, which “seasons food inside and out”; the P opeil’s Pasta Maker; the famous Popeil Pocket Fisherman; the GLH Formula 9 Hair System, which eliminates bald spots by spraying on fake “hair”; the Inside-The-Shell Egg Scrambler, which scrambles an egg right in the shell; the Bagel Cutter; the Dial-O -Matic, which slices and dices vegetables into more pieces than the former Yugoslavia; the Flip- Its, which just might replace traditional barbecue tongs, forks, and spatulas!; and the Door Saver, which protects your car from garage walls and other cars, and has something to do with tassels.
I’m thrilled to be helping spread the message that people can live more and get more from their daily lives by using T-Mobile’s service just as I do.
Catherine Zeta-J ones
How to Get It: There are two tiers in this line.The first is the fading celebrity who lends his or her tiny glow to the proceedings. But there is generally a second banana, tasting and exclaiming and going all googly-e yed about the benefi ts of the gizmo, paste, or regimen.You can be that, if you read the show business trade magazines and look for auditions for the jobs.You don’t have to be talented. In fact, judging from the quality of the infomercials themselves, it would help not to be. W
The Upside: Free stuff, big money, unless y ou’re the nodding dummy tasting the perfectly grilled chicken, then my guess is all you’re getting is scale plus perfectly grilled chicken.
The Downside: Terminal loss of self-r espect.
The Dark Side: Electric antiwrinkle mask gets wet and sears your face off. W
Where You Go from Here: North Korean brainwashing academy.