Backup Dancer – Bullshit jobs and how to get them
Dance behind people’s behinds, provide controlled substances, marry pop tarts
As I mentioned before, I am now going to be expressing my personal life through art. This series will show us falling in love and all the adventures that went on overseas during the European leg of my Onyx Hotel tour. It’s going to be an exciting ride. Kevin feels this project will speak for itself. Simply put, he says, “It is a documentation of love.”
Britney Spears, on the now-defunct UPN series
$$: Depends on the divorce settlement and the quality of the prenup. ß: 116.
Skills Required: Nice butt; look skanky for the tabloids, achieve good facial stubble; party on!
Duties: Order room service with aplomb; refrain from trashing hotel rooms until well after marriage; perform when required.
Famous Example: Kevin
Federline defines the outer limits of this bullshit job. Aside
from his reaching the post of stud and prince consort to Britney Spears, the n ation’s No. 1 pop tart of our day, Federline has a number of other achievements to his name. He is perhaps best known for being the seventeenthbilled dancer in what is, in some circles, considered the worst movie ever made, You Got Served (2004), starring, among others, J-Boog and Lil’ Fizz. His greatest professional triumph to date took place after his nuptials, when he and Brit coproduced the UPN series Britney & Kevin: Chaotic, which repackaged their home videos for public scrutiny. W
How to Get It: The basics are out by one online expert: “You have to take some dancing lessons with a profassional,” he says, proving that spelling is not a requirement. W
The Upside: Proximity to many talented people, one of whom may encounter you in an overheated condition and make a decision she will later regret and you will not.
The Downside: Having your Ferrari towed away by your pissed-off ex-wife.
The Dark Side: Looking at sleeping pop tart without makeup first thing in the morning.
Where You Go from Here: Restaurant greeter, Taco