69 Personal Trainer – Bullshit jobs and how to get them
Build average humans into gorgeous beasts, have sex with as many as you like,
marry some of them for brief periods of time
She’s a gamer, that’s what I would call her; she’s ready for anything. You can take her through hard exercises, hard rep counts, slow cadence, whatever it is s he’s just right there with you. She is so considerate and she’s on time and s he’s there to do it. She’s so strong. You’d be surprised—a girl her size— how strong she is.
Gunnar Peterson, on Angelina Jolie
$$: $35,000 per annum. But what’s the meaning of money when part of your job is holding J. Lo’s foot while she tries to work out her upper thigh? ß: 50—as high as you want.
People are so busy lengthening their lives with exercise they don’t have time to live them.
Skills Required: Must know a series of exercises and be able to teach them to others; have loud, commanding voice to scream at people and make them push themselves to the limit; look good in weird spandex outfi ts so that misshapen, sad people or celebrities want to look like you, not like themselves. Occasionally get it up on command for customers who have grown hot, sweaty, and confused during workout sessions.
Duties:Work people out, write books that have a unique selling principle of some kind, make tapes, go on TV, sponsor machines, move to LA, meet either Jessica or Nick, decide which one you want.
Famous Examples: The field of personal training was born in the cruder, more exacting science of bodybuilding, with pioneers like Jack La Lanne, who began more than sixty years ago and is now in his early nineties and selling juicers. Before him, even, was Charles Atlas, whose advertising promised that boys who trained in his discipline would never be troubled by sand- kicking beach bullies again. More recently, there was Arnold, whose advice and example were inspirational to a generation of men, but who is now discredited because he sank to a profession even more full of bullshit than personal trainer (see Politician). Also Richard Simmons, who is now plump, which makes him look very odd in a teeny little one- piece tank top, but who has helped a legion of very fat people become slightly less fat.
How to Get It:The National Federation of Personal Trainers (NFPT), founded in 1988, offers a course in accreditation for a reasonable fee, one that is recognized by the National Commission for Certifying Agencies (NCCA), which certifies certifying agencies. W
The Upside: Lookin’ great, eating like a champ, swinging high and hard and loose? What a gig!
The Downside: The San Francisco Chronicle does a huge exposé revealing that the special additive you’ve been giving to your customers is, in fact, anabolic steroid.You go to jail and your clients are disgraced, in addition to having tiny, shrunken testicles.
The Dark Side: You are an overexercised monster, both bulgy and stringy at the same time, your body is aging, and so are the poor, hyperstressed clients you tend to; you wake up one morning, and God, you’re tired. W
Where You Go from Here: Gym teacher, middle school.
Get those chubby little boys up to snuff!