53 Investment Banker – Bullshit jobs and how to get them
Strumpet of capital
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove you d on’t need it.
$$: Booooooo-y ah!
ß: 123. Although it’s on the way up, definitely. A great potential investment!
Skills Required: Market ice to Eskimos.
Duties: Make enormous fees by selling corporations on the benefits of consolidation and acquisition; then make huge subsequent fees by turning around and convincing the very same corporations to deconsolidate and divest noncore assets; attend conferences where rumors can be circulated and companies put into play. Trade the enterprises that provide the lifeblood of millions of workers like plastic chips in a cheap card game.
Famous Examples: I really don’t want to say. I may want to fund a start- up business one day.
How to Get It: Must attend many conferences and hang with financial types, bullshitting extensively about ways perfectly good businesses can be blown up, macerated, pureed, or jammed together with others for no particular reason other than that nobody has done it yet. If you look at really stupid deals and do not say “why,” but instead say “why not,” then you’ve got what it takes. W
The Upside: These guys are so rich their Bentleys have Bentleys.
The Downside: Sometimes you get a hangnail getting out of the limo.
The Dark Side: You must consort with many, many moguls. Every occupation has its tools, but they’re really big ones. W
Where You Go from Here: In ten or fi fteen years, you could be a mogul, with your own investment bankers hanging off you like remoras.