13 Blogger – Bullshit jobs and how to get them
Download contents of your mind, even when there aren’t any
The trouble with the Internet is that it’s replacing masturbation as a leisure activity.
$$: Relatively small, but prospects for high- paying bullshit job in the future are virtually assured.
ß: 92. Sometimes you piss off the wrong people.
Skills Required: Ability to upload thoughts, vapors, resentments, insights, lack of insights, rumors, stuff you’ve heard, stuff you haven’t heard, truth, lies, fi ction, semifact, appropriated wisdom, logrolling, political and sociological venom, self- promotion, and other cultural effluvia on a blank screen day in and day out; must possess the impression that one’s quotidian brain activity is of interest to others. Helps to be funny but when that is impossible, being hateful often suffi ces.
Duties: Write all day. Write all night. Doo- dah.
Famous Examples: Wonkette. All the blogs owned by Murdochian online minimogul Nick Denton—Defamer in LA, Gawker in New York—tend to be the crème de la crème of the genre, with vast knowledge of who is attractive and vulnerable to abuse. Others, like Matt Drudge and Jim Romenesko, are not bloggers per se but packagers of other people’s digital farts and, at times, actual journalism. W
How to Get It: Set up a Web log by establishing a site.That is your blank slate. Don’t leave it blank for long. Start writing, and by writing, I mean filling up the screen with words. Try to do this all the time. Let no notion or twinge go unexplored. After a while, your natural human tendency to be appropriate or kind or thoughtful or to edit yourself in any way will decay, falling away from you like a dead husk. This is good. When i t’s gone altogether, you’ll fi nd your output will be staggering. It’s not that hard to write when the activity itself is the only job requirement. W
The Upside: This is one of the bullshit jobs you can do immediately, with no training and no prior experience.You can also become very famous, since the established media, increasingly devoid of excitement and ideas of its own, has
taken to siphoning off daily blogging activity as a much better and more interesting alternative to actual news.
The Downside:You need a full, daily dose of imagination, guile, bile, and people pouring nonsense into your head that you can repeat.
The Dark Side: Your skin glows an ethereal white, your eyes become rheumy and bloodshot. Hair erupts in horrendous places.You don’t care.You are now nothing but a conduit through which pass all the rare gases of the universe.You are, in short, a blog. W
Where You Go from Here: McSweeney’s.